The Jasper, Microsoft's great white hope
Staring down a potential layoff narrows one's financial options, which totally explains why I replaced my mostly functional Xbox 360 on a whim Saturday with a brand-spankin'-new Jasper model.
The Jasper is supposed to be the ultimate solution for the millions of us who've encountered the console's all-too-real Red Ring of Death. The fifth named model of the 360 hardware uses a 65 nm CPU and GPU that collectively demand less power and generate less heat than previous models. The unit's DVD drive has been retooled as well, drastically reducing the jet-engine drone of its forebears.
For me, this particular Xbox 360 -- my third -- has proven to be a minor miracle in just three days.
I've struggled with 360 hardware issues since my first model red-ringed in December 2005, and I've thought of the console as a sort of delicate, touch-and-go schizophrenic since then. If I wasn't triple-checking my games to make sure the 360 hadn't clawed their guts out, I was wrapping the bitch in a wet towel and leaving it in the refrigerator overnight so that it might be cold enough to work the next day.
By the time I replaced my second one this weekend, the only way to eject the disc tray was to jam a paperclip into a tiny hole on the front of the unit. And to get the console to register a newly inserted disc, I had to _slam_ the tray back into the 360 while pushing gently upward.
It wasn't an enormous hassle, but the annoyance was chilling enough that I powered up the 360 only when necessary. That meant putting off playtime of much-anticipated 360 exclusives, buying occasionally inferior PS3 ports of multiplatform titles and, most irritating of all, forgoing Carla-licious achievements for Hosea-trocious trophies.
I mean, what am I? Homeless?
So when I verified that the Arcade unit at my local Best Buy was in fact a Jasper, I took the plunge. And my entire worldview has changed.
Outfitted with the heinously expensive 120GB hard drive I bought a few weeks ago, the new 360 has changed totally my attitude toward my console stack. My PS3 now is pretty much only for exclusives, STREET FIGHTER IV and games whose multiplayer components I can play with my work buddy Carl.
The 360 is for everything else. And catching up with older games I had forgotten that I owned, like DiRT, has been fantastic. I might even play OBLIVION again, now that I understand the game's fucking ridiculous leveling mechanic and can cut down on those horrific load times by installing the whole kit and kaboodle.
Hell, I might even dig out the second disc of LOST ODYSSEY. Listening to Mac and Cooke whine about their dead-ass mom while the 360 whined about its loud-ass DVD drive was too much for one geek to take.
Below, a YouTube guy explains how to dig up one of these puppies.